Infertility

I have a whole dedicated blog to this very topic. Head on over to The Impossible Dream of Being a Mama and read all about it.

2015 UPDATES!
After another visit to my OBGYN in August, we felt like we finally got some answers.

I'd been almost completely lined out with my cycles for 3 months. It was like clock work. And then, I miss a period. Which wouldn't be completely unheard of for me, if I hadn't been feeling so sick. I was so sick at my stomach and so tired and I had a lot of the symptoms of pregnancy. So this particular evening that it occurs to me that I've missed my period, Aaron and I are out on a "date." We stop by a drug store on the way home, get a pregnancy test and rush home to take it.

It was positive. 

We went to bed thinking we were going to be parents in 9 months. We agreed on baby names, had a plan in place for turning my crafting space into baby's room and were thinking up creative ways to tell the family. I wanted to call my brother and his wife right then, even though it was the middle of the night, but decided not to, thankfully.

The next morning, I wanted to see those two lines again. So I took another test. And it was negative. Three more tests were negative. 

The test from the night before had been an ultra rare FALSE POSITIVE.

It broke my heart, and kicked my butt. I made an appointment with my doctor the next day.


My doctor squeezed me in to a busy day and made time to really sit down and talk to me. She's the best. She decided I needed bloodwork and an ultrasound done that day. She was afraid a cyst had grown too large. When the ultrasound showed that everything looked the same, she got her plan of action together. I've been at this for 3 years now, and she flat said "3 years is long enough." 

With PCOS, and I was totally unaware of this until she said it, your insulin levels run too high and that keeps you from ovulating. So she put me on the ever popular METFORMIN, which is a diabetic medication that both my diabetic mother and diabetic father in law take. The side effects have been out of this universe. I've been SO sick on this medication but I keep taking it. NOTHING will stop me from doing all I can to help us have a child.  She also gave me a round of Provera, which will start a period for me (yay) and then a round of Clomid, which, if you don't know, is a fertility drug made to induce ovulation.  She said with the combo of these medicines, ovulation tests and temperature tracking, and doing the "baby dance," as she called it, at just the right time, she didn't see any reason why I shouldn't have a for real positive test by the end of the year.

I left her office very excited, but very cautious. Its hard to let yourself get excited over something when there is a real possibility that it will never happen. 

I am so thankful to everyone, in my personal life and my internet life, that have reached out to me saying that they're praying for us, or that they are in the same position, or were. I'm grateful to my supportive husband, for taking care of me when I've been down, for holding me when I screamed and cried over those three negative tests. To my mother, for always being a sounding board, for going with me to these crazy doctors appointments and asking the questions that I would never think to ask, and for taking me out to eat afterwards ;p. I'm thankful for my family, for those that know, that understand why I'm down some days. I'm so thankful for my Doctor and her wonderful staff. You just know when things feel right. I went for my ultrasound and the tech said "Don't you just adore her?" And yes, yes I do. 


BUT, we don't have a positive test yet. I'm still waiting on the Provera to kick in, and the side effects from the Metformin to settle down. I've been feeling to need to start getting things in order, but I don't want to look too far into it, because who likes disappointment? I know that Provera and Clomid and Metformin work for lots of women, but I also know that for lots of women it doesn't. My doctor has every reason to believe that it will, so I just keep praying for my little miracle baby. And when he (or she, but I've always suspected I will have a boy first) arrives, you'd better just grab onto your socks and hold on, cause the Simple Life will probably become the Sleepless Life! Ha!

Thank you all for your kindness and support. Thank you again to those that have reached out to me saying that they've read the blog and have been following our journey on this page. I love you all and would truly appreciate your prayers!



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Aaron and I were married on December 12th 2009 and right from the beginning we knew we wanted kids. Just not right away. So we waited 3 years before starting our journey. I was on birth control. My cycles have always been pretty irregular (I call them erratic because they seem to have a mind of their own and they're pretty intense), but my doctors assured me everything was fine. 

So it's 3 years later, and we say, ok. Time to start trying. 

A year later still nothing.... I hadn't even started my period back after coming off birth control. And because of my family history - it took my parents 10 years to have me and numerous other female family members have had untold struggles having kids. One of my cousins even had cervical cancer to attend with before she had her babies - I felt like it was a good idea to go to a doctor. I mean, not having a period for a year was a problem. My doctor was super thorough and very understanding and kind. I can't say enough good things about her. She sent me for nearly a months worth of tests and put me on some medication to start my period...

At the follow up appointment after the month of testing (lots of blood tests and several ultrasounds later) she told me that I had about 6 cysts on my ovaries (3 on each) but that given my other symptoms, including some weight gain, she would go ahead and officially diagnose me with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). She said that a normal PCOS diagnosis requires I think 12 cysts but she said all my indicators pointed to yes aside from the number of cysts. So I have PCOS. But because of the small amount of cysts, my ovaries were functioning normally.

And because of that, she said, she had to say that my fertility problems would be classified and diagnosed as "UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY." I was devastated. I thought that once I had an official diagnosis, like PCOS that she would be like "ok. here's a prescription, invite me to the baby shower." 


It's been 2 1/2 years now, and we still aren't parents. We've struggled. It's been so so so hard. I feel like sometimes it will never happen. I've been discouraged and angry. Angry at myself, at Aaron, at my mother, at my friends and family that have had babies, I've been angry at God. Every month, we get negative pregnancy tests, sometimes we cry, sometimes we don't. 

Aaron and I have considered adoption and foster care, we even started foster parent classes, but in the end we decided it just wasn't right for us. Our level of faith fluctuates from the highest mountain to the lowest valley on any given day. Anyone that has ever had a problem having a child knows the ups and downs you go through. 

I go through days when I hate my body. When I feel like it's betrayed me. I'm a woman. Women are meant to have children.... and my body says "nope." I go through times when I just want to cry in bed all day long. I keep myself busy most of the time, I keep my mind on other things, but I still can't escape the ache in my heart for a child of my own. And then there are days when I'm ok. Infertility is like depression. Some days you look ok to the outside world, but your always dying on the inside.

It's the "unexplained" part. The not knowing why, when, how come, that is the hardest part to accept.


If you pray, we would truly appreciate your prayers. We consider ourselves to be people of faith, and even with our great faith in God, sometimes we get down hearted. We have to hold on to the promises that God has given us, the things he has allowed us glimpses of that are far off in the future, and believe that soon we will get to hold our precious child in our arms.


Infertility is such a hard thing to talk about. And so many women are dealing with it. I'm wishing HEAPS of BABY DUST on you if you're struggling like we are. Pray for us, we'll pray for you.